The Moment When Clarity Was Found

I have been doing a lot of thinking. Now what Aeon would tell you is that every time I do a lot of thinking something happens. We argue, I take on a city official, I send strongly worded e-mails to local papers, I speak at coucil meetings. Nothing big I just get a case of what we call in my house, THe Grinches, you see my heart doesn't grow 3 sizes that day but my theoretical balls do.

So here I am for the last week or so on suspension from work (that's another blog for another time) with far to much time on my hands. So I think. I think about what to paint the house, I think about my job, I think about my faith and I think a lot about TTWD. I think about how much I miss being his. Don't get this wrong, I am still his in marriage. We are still very much a family, a partnership. He is still my best friend. You see what I am sure some of you may understand is, yes, yes we are still married. Yes, we are still very much together. The difference is, we are not D/s. I am not his in the way that our marriage needs. I am not his in a way that he needs. I am not his in the way that I need. I do not feel complete. I know it isn't just me either. I know Aeon feels the same way.

The tension from all that is unspoken is heavy. No one quite knows what to say about what isn't happening. We fumble around each other like we just met most days. We try desperately to pretend that everything is ok. We put up a good front and smile. We are still affectionate. We still cuddle. Things are just missing.

With all this weighing on my mind as well as my heart, I have spent time thinking. Trying to find that moment when things changed. That solitary second or sequence of seconds when things stopped. I went over every argument, every crossed path, every interaction I could think of that would have altered our course. I made list's. I prayed for guidance. I thought non-stop.

It happened. Through three day's of intense cramps and migraines the haze cleared. I had a moment of clarity. You know that moment between all that is seen and unseen? That is the moment that I knew, I knew what happened. I knew how This Thing We Do turned into That Thing We Did. In that moment all became clear.

You see about a month ago, give or take a few days, Aeon and I and Tao had been discussing relationships. Just generalized discussion. When out of no where in particular, Aeon looks at me with his amazing eyes and says, "Things will change when I decide it is time to bring on another sub."

HELLO , McFly!!!! Aeon had never up until that point in time even entertained the notion of another sub! He does not even consider a poly relationship. This threw me. I remember feeling sick. I remember getting scared. I remember being haunted for several days with insecurities. What if she is more subby than me? What if she is more doting? What if she is prettier? What if she is thin? What if, what if, what if!

And that is when all hell broke loose. I didn't cry or scream or retort with sarcasm. Nope, instead I buried down deep and let it eat away at me. I let this statement destroy TTWD. I hid from it. I turned it into something destructive and ugly and let it chew at my core. It went unaddressed for so long that I didn't know what went wrong. So long that I am now sitting here telling all of you what happened because I am a big sissy lala and am afraid to tell AEON, who probably doesn't even remember the conversation.

Now I want to take credit for this moment of clarity, but, the reality is if it hadn't been for HSxx over at A Hidden Slave and this post in particular I would probably still be wondering around racking my migraine infested brain trying to figure out what happened. Thank you for helping to lead me to that moment of clarity. Your honesty has been my light.